Cultural Sensitivity Tips for Visiting the Authentic Human Restaurant
By Marie Vibbert
Welcome, sapient diner! Thank you for your interest in Pizza Taco Subs. Here are just a few tips to help you get the most out of your visit.
What is an authentic Human restaurant? We’re so glad you asked! Humans are a lively, omnivorous species with a colorful history. Though a minority, you can find us in most galactic population centers. You may be familiar with popular chains like Li Hua’s Humanitarium or L’Homme de Terre and be confused as to why our food doesn’t look the same. This is because Humans, like other species, have a variety of ethnic groups and regional cuisines. Most of our offerings come from a place called The Middle West, where the main cultural food is the Pizza Taco Sub: a layered dish of meats, vegetables, and milk-protiens served warm on a bed of pasta.
Also, L’Homme is something of a sore spot among the wait staff. Please do not mention them, no matter how much you loved the snail baguette.
What are wait staff? These are Humans who perform ceremonial roles around eating, specifically the Hostess and the Waiter and the Bus Boy. Don’t worry, you don’t have to tell them apart. They are here to help guide you through our seating and ordering traditions.
You may notice some guests engaging in “tipping.” This is very similar to the custom at Gleisian restaurants, but please, don’t tip by radically increasing the intelligence of your server. In the past, this has led to problems with management.
No, Humans don’t pre-digest our food, so don’t expect your waiter or bus boy to regurgitate. In fact, asking them to do so is considered quite rude. Don’t worry, on your table you will find shakers containing the top ten digestive enzymes in the galaxy. If you don’t see your needed enzymes, just ask your waiter.
Humans are social eaters! We eat in groups, and often talk or even listen to entertainments while eating. You will find that seating is grouped in “tables” and “booths” with variable privacy. If you are one of the many species who prefer complete privacy while consuming, let our staff know and you will be seated in our special area, “efficiency apartment with TV tray,” for an authentic Human experience of solitary dining. This comes with a paper tub of ice cream to consume while you contemplate your own shortcomings.
Middle Western Human food is designed to be eaten with utensils, the most common and popular of which is the “spork.” Do give it a try! Some Human ethnic groups eat with their hands, properly washed, so don’t feel bad if you have trouble gripping the spork. We also have Plutonian chopsticks by request.
While some dishes might not meet your expectations, please refrain from exclaiming “Gross!” about someone else’s prized sustenance. Our wait staff will happily remove anything that is offensive. Note that some items on the menu are marked with the Altruthian Star of Nausea. These, like the Slim Jim and Bologna Sandwich, have been found to elicit a painful gag reflex in Altruthians. (The preparations we call “processed meat” are a Human delicacy and come in a variety of forms. Reserved for adventurous palates!)
Can you order the pizza without garlic? Yes. Should you? Absolutely not. It would be like getting sunlight without radiation!
We will happily add garlic to anything. What is garlic? It is a majestic plant bulb of pure glory in the onion family. Shush, we know what we are talking about.
Do not bring your own food. Especially not a romantic partner you plan to consume later. Our wait-staff may grow attached and attempt a rescue.
Do not attempt to eat any fellow diners, wait staff, or other potential sapients you may encounter on the premises. All food will be clearly labeled as food and served on blue ceramic plates.
“You look tasty” is not a compliment we appreciate, nor anything to the effect that your server resembles the main course at your daughter’s adulthood ceremony.
To be clear, this is a restaurant to experience the food Humans eat. There are no Humans to be eaten. Eating sapient creatures is taboo in Human culture. We acknowledge you might see this as arbitrary or hypocritical – all lifeforms are valuable, thinking ones no more so – but it remains a line we are uncomfortable crossing and it’s best not to bring it up.
We are an employee-owned collective. Are we conflicted about serving patrons who have consumed intelligent species, including our own? Absolutely. But Human culture is based on allowing terrible things, particularly if it involves business and/or compromising with a colonial power. We manage this through willful ignorance and a tradition known as “not talking about it.”
Thank you for your attention; we are sure you will have an enjoyable, exotic experience here at Pizza Taco Subs.
Reservations required for parties of four or more.
_______________
Hugo- and Nebula nominated author Marie Vibbert‘s short fiction has appeared over 100 times in top magazines like Nature, Analog, and Clarkesworld, and been translated into Czech, Chinese and Vietnamese. Her latest novel is Andrei and the Hellcats, about a sex positive sex robot learning about the evils of capitalism. Her work has been called “everything science fiction should be” by the Oxford Culture Review. She is the editor of the 2026 Triangulation anthology “Bad Romance.” She also writes poetry, comics, and computer games. By day she is a computer programmer in Cleveland, Ohio.